


Moments

by Scarletkiss18



Category: bare: A Pop Opera - Hartmere/Intrabartolo
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, One Shot Collection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-02-07 08:21:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21454936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scarletkiss18/pseuds/Scarletkiss18
Summary: Moments between the boys if Jason had survived. One shots in the same universe.
Relationships: Jason McConnell/Peter Simmonds
Comments: 10
Kudos: 89





	1. The After – May 2000

**Author's Note:**

> Generally an enjoyer of fanfics and not a writer but I had too many thoughts going on after getting into the cast recording. 
> 
> I do not own Bare or any of it's characters.

Peter’s gut churned uncomfortably. He hadn’t been sleeping well and the extra coffee he’d used to compensate sat heavy in his stomach. He’d been too nervous to even choke down some toast this morning and it felt as if he could feel the coffee sloshing around. Everything felt uncomfortable though. His t-shirt felt too tight, the antiseptic smell of the hospital air too sharp. The low chatter of the people waiting in line in front of him to check in grated on his nerves. He tried desperately to stamp down the desire to flee the hospital lobby. He wanted to see Jason, truly he did. He’d thought of little else since what happened – getting to Jason, making sure he was okay. Even with so many unanswered questions, all the anger and hurt he felt, Peter had been thrilled to get Nadia’s call yesterday. They hadn’t let any visitors see Jason the first few days, and then it had only been family. But the burst of relief had been short lived. Anxiety over what to say, how to treat Jason had quickly set in. And now, waiting in line, his mind won't stop playing the moment Jason had hit the floor over and over again like a terrible movie.

Peter takes long even breaths, trying to slow his heart rate as he approaches the partially open door of Jason’s room. He wonders if he should knock, but in the end sort of just shuffles in. Nadia is seated in a chair next to Jason’s bed. She looks as tired as he feels with dark smudges under her eyes, her lank hair piled high in a messy bun. Jason’s awake, sitting up on the bed with his knees pulled up to his chest. Nadia must have brought him clothes because he’s in his lacrosse sweats and a long sleeve t-shirt instead of a hospital gown. He wonders if Nadia told Jason he was coming today.

She notices Peter standing there first, “Hey Peter”. Jason looks up quickly at that but doesn’t seem able to hold Peter’s gaze for more than a few seconds. Peter supposes none of them have been sleeping well, taking in Jason’s appearance. He looks exhausted and so small all curled up on the hospital bed.

“Hi” Peter says, responding to Nadia even though he’s still mostly watching Jason. Peter can’t help but start fidgeting with the bottom of his shirt, pulling it down and stretching it. He’d planned a million things he might say last night, but none of them feel right now.

“I’ll... uh give you guys some time to talk” Nadia finally says standing up. “I’m going to grab a shower but I'll come back later...okay Jason?” Jason nods before looking back down, picking at non exist fuzz on his pants. Nadia quickly gathers her bag giving Peter’s shoulder a quick squeeze as she passes.

Peter knows he can't just keep standing rooted by the door so he moves toward the chair Nadia had been sitting in. Last minute though he changes his mind, it feels too far from Jason. Instead he toes off his sneakers and sits on the edge of Jason’s bed. “Scoot over” Peter requests. The bed isn’t really big enough for them to sit comfortably shoulder to shoulder but they squeeze in, their sides pressed tight up against each other. Their language has always been more about touch than words anyway. A stolen kiss or squeeze of the hand in the hallway, wrapped up in each other in the dark every night in their dorm. Peter doesn’t know what to say, he’s sure a million people have already asked Jason if he’s okay so instead he takes his hand rubbing it softly down Jason’s back and tilts his head to rest on Jason’s shoulder for a moment.

“I wasn’t sure you were going to come,” Jason says eventually, voice low and soft, devoid of the wild energy that usually accompanies everything Jason does.

“I wanted to earlier, but they were only letting family in”. Jason nods his head in response and picks at a loose string on the thin blanket below them. Peter spends some more time rubbing Jason’s back. Jason doesn’t seem to be sitting quite as stiffly now.

“Do you think you’ll ever forgive me?” Jason asks softly after a couple of minutes, turning his head slightly to look at Peter. Forgive him for what Peter wonders. Breaking up with him? Sleeping with Ivy? Lying about it? Hurting himself? He’s thought a lot about all of that in the last few days, he’d been so angry but being here with Jason and seeing him now, he doesn’t really think he can hold onto it.

“I’m not angry with you Jase, you ...you really hurt me, but I can see now how much you must have been hurting too.”

“I still...I want ...” Jason starts, finally getting out “I miss you”

Peter knows what Jason’s really saying. He’s missed Jason too, but he can’t go back to how things were either. He lets out his breath in a low sigh, trying to gather his thoughts, “Nadia told me you’ve been refusing to talk to the therapist...”

“It was an accident” Jason cuts him off.

Peter takes in a sharp breath at that. “Jason...we both know that’s not true.” Peter’s voice cracks over Jason’s name. The urge to start crying comes on suddenly and he gives his lip a sharp bite to stave it off. This isn’t about him. “You tried to kill yourself Jase, and all the reasons you did haven’t changed. I miss you too, so much, but if you want us to be together you need to get some help.”

“I’m not crazy” Jason says sharply, curt and angry, Jason tries to shrug away now from Peter’s touch.

“I know. I don’t think you are. But so much has happened. You need to talk about it, this isn't healthy”.

“I don't want to” Jason says stubbornly, his voice rising. “I’m fine, I won’t do it again.” Jason says gaining steam, suddenly furious. “My life isn’t anyone’s fucking business. Why can’t everyone just drop it and leave me the fuck alone. I don’t need to talk about anything. I wasn’t even supposed to be here...”

Peter cringes at that, does Jason really regret that he lived? That scares the shit out of him. He doesn't think Jason meant to say that last part out loud either considering he doesn’t continue on. Jason’s voice is quiet again, low and defeated “I’m just so tired Peter”.

“Lay down with me for a little while.” Peter knows Jason didn’t really mean physically tired; Jason’s been playing this game for so long, Peter can’t really imagine what it’s like to have that blow up in his face. If he’s honest with himself, he has a feeling his classmates, and probably most of his teachers, had had their suspicions about him well before Matt told everyone. But nobody would have guessed about Jason, he acted the part so well.

The hospital blanket is scratchy Peter can’t help but think as they lay down, climbing under it. If Jason’s going to be here much longer maybe he’ll steal one of the quilts his Mom keeps in the “guest” closet, even though they never actually have guests. Jason turns into him, burying his face in Peter’s neck. Holding Jason, warm and solid in his arms, Peter feels himself relax a little for the first time in days. This is their normal.

Jason has never been comfortable with showing emotion. Peter’s sure if he couldn’t feel Jason’s shoulders shaking slightly, or the wet spot on his neck, he’d have no idea Jason was crying. He manages to do it nearly silently.

“I fucked up, I fucked everything up.” Jason mumbles into his neck, voice thick with tears. “I don't see any way out of it, I can’t do this. Nothing I ever do is enough.”

Peter pulls Jason closer, holding him tighter and rubbing his back more. “You’re gonna be okay Jase. You aren’t alone, we're gonna figure it all out, I promise” Peter whispers back. “You’re okay, you’re gonna get there”. Jason cries for a little longer, but eventually his breathing evens out and he feels warmer and heavier in Peter’s arms and he knows Jason has fallen asleep. Soon he can’t resist as his own eyes close and he joins Jason in his nap.

Peter isn’t sure how long they are asleep but when he opens his eyes next, he can tell it’s probably late afternoon. Jason stirs beside him and a quick look around shows Nadia is back, holding a book in her hand. He blushes a little at the thought of her seeing them cuddled up asleep together. It's been a secret for so long, it makes him feel kind of panicky for anyone to see. Nadia’s looking toward the door and he realizes it was the sound of knocking that had woken them. Peter and Jason struggle to sit up while a petite middle age woman enters the room.

If the woman is surprised by the addition of a second person in Jason’s bed, she doesn’t show it. Whoever she is, Jason clearly does not feel had ease. He’s tensed up again, squeezing Peter’s hand hard, like a lifeline.

“It’s nice to see you again Jason, Nadia” she says, her voice even and calm. “Do you want to introduce me to your friend Jason?”

“My boyfriend” Jason mumbles out. It gives Peter a serious case of the butterflies to hear that. Jason’s never actually called him that, even in private. He can tell it made Jason uncomfortable to say, he’s staring down at the covers, digging his nails into Peter’s hand. To be honest, Peter isn’t that far behind him comfort wise. It’s not like he’s ever actually managed to say it to anyone, while sober anyway. He both wants it so much and fears it.

“It's nice to meet you. I’m Sharron”. Peter hadn’t realized he was holding his breath, waiting for some kind of terrible reaction, until it didn’t come. He blows the extra breath out.

“The psychiatrist” Nadia adds helpfully. Which certainly explains Jason’s current disposition.

“I was going to see if you were up to talking today Jason, but I can come back a bit later after your visitors have gone for the day. Would that be okay?”

Jason is looking to him for some kind of reaction or commentary. Peter gives his hand a squeeze and what he hopes is an encouraging nod.

“Maybe for a few minutes later” Jason concedes. Sharron seems happy enough with that response and departs shortly thereafter leaving the three of them alone again.

They turn on the tiny hospital TV, Nadia still in the chair and the boys on the bed, all mindlessly watching some overly dramatic daytime soap opera until a nurse comes around and tells them visiting hours are over.

Nadia gives Jason a sideways hug and promises to be back tomorrow. “I’ll wait for you in the hall Peter.”

“Will you come back?” Jason asks. He can hear the insecurity there.

“I could come tomorrow for lunch. Bring you something that’s not terrible hospital food”. Peter leans over to give Jason on small kiss goodbye and another squeeze. “Just try talking it out, I know it’s hard for you but just try”.

Jason sighed a little bit but nodded.


	2. Hey Jealousy – October 2001

Peter was curled up in his bed, sniffling into his pillow. Jason was out, and he’d told him to go so he didn’t really have the right to be upset. He’d said he wasn’t feeling well, but really he couldn’t stand to spend one more night out watching Billy Damers fawn all over Jason. He couldn’t bear to another whispered comment about why Jason was even still with him when he could have anyone. He had a feeling some of their other friends thought it too, even if they were too nice to ever say it.

It wasn’t as if this was the first time Peter had been jealous. Back in high school it had always been hard for him to watch the girls flirt with Jason, but he’d known Jason didn’t really want any of them. Somehow, he’d thought that once they came out and everyone knew they were together, it wouldn’t be a problem anymore. He couldn't believe how naïve he’d been. Of course, back in high school where there were no other gay kids, that all would have been true. But now, well Notre Dame might have been a catholic university but they were hardly the only gay kids here.

Peter was so incredibly proud of Jason for how far he’d come since high school. Even though he wasn’t putting on show anymore, the fact remained that he was just a super attractive, charismatic guy. Not to mention smart and athletic. Now, it wasn’t only the girls lusting after him, but all the boys who knew Jason played for their team. And Peter was apparently just the chubby boyfriend who’d followed him from high school.

He tried to remind himself that Jason loved him but he couldn’t help the waives of insecurity that crashed over him. Was he holding Jason back? Did Jason actually wish he was single? Was it a mistake not going with Jason tonight? Now he’d left him totally alone. Deep down, he knew Jason wouldn't actually do anything, but the thought of them all out dancing together, hands wherever, made his skin crawl.

His sniffling had turned into actual tears by time he heard their dorm door open. He popped his head up confused; it hadn't even been an hour since Jason left.

“I had a feeling you weren’t actually sick,” Jason said, crossing over to sit next to Peter and pulling him into a hug. “What’s wrong?”

“Billy wants to fuck you” Peter blurted out. God, he sounded whiney. He didn't want to get into this with Jason, but he figured he’d kind of have to now. Jason looked incredibly confused anyways. “ I just, I couldn’t deal with it tonight. He just, it's obvious he thinks he’d be the better choice for you, he’s always making little snide comments and touching you when he thinks I’m not looking and sometimes it feels like everyone else agrees.”

“This is because you’re jealous of some douchebag?” Jason kind of snorted out.

“Fuck you, just forget it” Peter tried to pull away. Unfortunately, Jason had a pretty good hold on him so the struggle was mostly futile.

“No hey come-on, I’m sorry. It's just, I have absolutely no interest in Billy, I kind of thought it was obvious we both only hung out with him because he’s friends with Julia and Kevin. He’s such an ass”.

“It’s not only him. All of them want you and it feels like I’m just in the way. Sometimes it feels like I’m just holding you back from experiencing things.”

Jason cupped Peter’s face pulling him in for a brief kiss. “I’m not going to pretend I’ve never been curious about other men and I really doubt you could say that either, but we’re way more important than some passing curiosity. Guys want you too, you just don’t notice. I get jealous too you know. That guy in your theatre club has been flirting with you for weeks. You think I don't worry someday you’ll decide you’re sick of being with someone who needs therapy and cocktail of antidepressants to get through his life?”

“I’ve never felt that way Jason.” Peter says vehemently.

“I know. Sometimes I can’t help the thoughts anyway, just like you can’t. But it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, it’s only us - I want you Peter, you can’t listen to all their bullshit. They have nothing to do with us. ”

Jason leans in and kisses him again, deepening the kiss quickly; his hands on Peter’s back now, following him down onto the bed. And like always, Peter is lost to him.


	3. Thank You Judge – November 18, 2003

Peter hummed happily in the tiny kitchen in their off campus apartment, pulling out what he needed for brunch. Tuesday was his favorite day of the week this semester. Just by happenstance, neither of them had class until later in the day. There was never pressure to meet up with friends since everyone else did - it was always just the two of them. They’d wake up late, have lazy brunches, watching trashy TV, or stay in bed wrapped up in each other all morning.

Peter had sent Jason off to the drug store on the corner for milk. Jason had grumbled slightly about having to change but unless they wanted black coffee and mediocre scrambled eggs it was necessary. Usually they were pretty good about staying on top of their groceries but the milk had gone bad well before it’s expiration date for some reason. At least Peter had noticed before either of them took a sip. 

He was just grabbing the frying pan from the cabinet when he heard Jason come back in. He looked up in time to see Jason rapidly approaching, a funny look on his face. As far as Peter could tell Jason had not bought milk. All he had was a newspaper, which he quickly threw on the counter before pushing Peter up against the fridge kissing him.

“What has gotten into you” Peter asked, laughing as Jason moved to kiss his neck, grabbing his ass. 

Jason pecked his lips a couple of times, nuzzling his nose against him “Massachusetts just legalized gay marriage.”

“What??” Peter says, escaping Jason’s hold and grabbing the newspaper. The headline, in big block letters, declares Massachusetts the first state to find the ban on gay marriage unconstitutional. 

Now Peter is the pursuer, grabbing Jason, kissing his face, his neck. Both of them giddy, laughing. It doesn’t matter that they don’t live in Massachusetts, that neither of them has even been there. It doesn’t damper their excitement later, when they realize there’s a six month hold. In that moment, they are high on the knowledge that somewhere, someone important believes they have the right to love like everyone else. 

Six months later they gather at a friend’s apartment, the news turned up loud as they watch all the reports roll in on the first marriages taking place. Older couples that have been together forever, mixed with younger ones, all alight with excitement and acceptance. 

Peter’s sitting between Jason’s legs on the floor, Jason’s hands loosely around his waist. “We’ll go there someday.” Jason whispers to Peter. 

Peter turns his head smiling “are you asking me to marry you?” he teases. 

“Someday” Jason says seriously, kissing him before turning his attention back to the TV. Someday.


	4. Eleven Eleven Kiss the Clock – 2011

When they were young, it was a funny kind of superstition. If you happened to look at the clock at 11:11 you'd kiss the clock and any wish you made would come true. 2011 seemed to be the year all their wishes were coming true.

They’d moved to New York City two years after graduating Notre Dame in 2004. Jason had rose quickly through the ranks at the financial firm he worked at in Chicago and they’d eventually offered him a promotion that was too good to refuse. So off to New York they’d gone. Peter found a job at a small advertising agency and they’d rented a tiny studio apartment in the West Village. All of their friends had thought they were crazy, but hey, they’d been sharing dorm rooms since they were 12, a studio was hardly a challenge. 

Now they lived in a brownstone in Brooklyn not too far from Prospect Park. They’d lucked out in getting it; bought during the midst of the recession from an estate whose heirs just wanted quick cash. Even living in a studio apartment hadn’t helped them save all that much on rent, it was NYC after all, but Jason had received access to the trust his grandparents had left him when he turned twenty-six. Their house had been in rough shape when they bought it, it didn't look like anything had been updated since the fifties, but over the last two years they’d budgeted well and put a lot of work in – redoing the kitchen and bathrooms and peeling off old wallpaper.

Peter was standing in the doorway gazing in at their latest project. The smell of new paint still lingered and they’d opened all the windows letting the warm summer air in. The walls were painted a lovely light green, the two cribs Jason had already built standing ready for the babies that would occupy them later in the fall.

He felt Jason come up behind him, putting his arms around him. Peter leaned back happily, making a contented kind of noise. When they were younger, Peter had thought liking boys had meant giving up so much. No one had explained to either of them they might still have those things. Lately the world seemed to be evolving along with them. Everything was different now, Peter thought as he turned, taking in Jason in his black suit. God he looked so handsome.

Just a few months after their surrogate had called to tell them the pregnancy had taken; New York had overturned their gay marriage ban.

“Ready? “Jason asks, adjusting Peter’s tie slightly. It’s hard for Peter to remember a time he didn’t want this.

“Only since we are about fourteen”

They hadn’t rushed down to city hall the second the law had gone into effect in late July. They’d waited until mid-august when the few family members that supported them could come.

Peter’s Mom takes what feels like a million pictures of them. Nadia hugs them both tightly and insists on taking a picture of them kissing making Peter blush hotly. Jason’s Uncle Marc claps them both on the back and gives them bath towels that say Mr. and Mr. making Jason laugh. 

Later they celebrate in one of the dive bars by their old apartment they’ve always loved. Friends pour in and out throughout the evening, some coming in for a quick drink and others staying all night. They’ve built themselves quite the family over the years, friends from work and college, neighbors that became best friends, friends of friends that became friends.

They splurge on a cab back to Brooklyn later that night (or earlier the following morning depending on how you want to look at it), giggling and drunk they barely make it through the front door before Jason’s stripping Peter out of his suit.

* * *

New Years Eve 2011 finds Jason and Peter dosing sleepily on the couch. Jason’s lying on his back, Peter cuddled up against his chest. The TV’s volume low, a New Year’s Special playing in the background, but both of them are too tired, in the midst of new parenthood, to really pay attention. Mary and Benjamin are thankfully asleep at the same time, though Peter doubts they have more than an hour before one of them is up again. Peter still finds their names hilarious. Inexplicably, the only thing that stuck from their catholic upbringing was the apparent desire to give biblical names to their children.

“This has been the best year of my life” Peter says sleepily, entwining his hand with Jason’s so their rings touch. Jason leans his head down slightly to capture Peter’s lips, and then moves so he’s on top, rolling his hips down into Peter’s, making him gasp.

“You were right after all, you always believed we’d get a happy ending.” Jason says as he resumes his kisses, letting his hands roam down over Peter’s body. That makes Peter smile. Usually he’s the sappy one.

When Peter looks up next, after, satiated and warm next to Jason, he realizes they’ve missed the countdown. It's 2012.


	5. Cups of Tea – December 2018

Jason and Peter have always had little signals for each other. In high school Jason would ask Peter if he’d seen his baseball bat when he was trying to signal he wanted them to go somewhere and hook up. As adults, when one of them asks for a cup of tea it means they’re having a rough day. It helps both of them have something to do with their hands when they’re trying to talk things out.

It had started after high school when Jason was first in therapy. It had often been impossible for Peter to tell, when Jason came to their dorm after a session, red eyed and angry or sullen and down if he wanted to talk or cuddle or be left alone. Jason hadn’t really been in a place back then to ask for what he needed either. So eventually they’d developed a sort of system. If Jason asked for tea (made in their illicit dorm microwave) he meant he wanted to talk, pulling out their extra quilt meant he was ready to be held and asking Peter to return his library book (whether there was one to return or not) meant he needed some space. Years later and certainly more mature, they mostly knew how to ask for what they needed now. For some reason the tea thing had stuck around though.

It’d been lemon tea when some big wig Midwestern client requested to be transferred to another team when he’d found out Jason could never “bring his girlfriend to dinner”. Peter had inhaled the fresh citrusy scent while Jason ranted in anger and hurt. And lavender honey when Peter’s father had reached out after over a decade. Over the calming floral scent, Jason had encouraged Peter to at least find closure. He would likely never be close with his father, but they’d managed to somewhat repair their relationship.

So, Peter bites his lip anxiously, pulling down the box of seasonally appropriate peppermint tea after he receives a slightly distressing text from Jason [On my way home, a cup’s not going to do it, I need a bucket]. Jason’s had a couple of late nights at work this week; clients always seems to remember they need that one extra thing finished right before the holidays. He wonders if something happened with one of them. Peter gathers up Ben and Mary where they have been playing in the family room, promising them if they get ready for bed now they can watch a movie in Jason and Peter’s bed. Ben is thrilled with this offer; his big blue eyes alight with happiness –he’s forever wanting to sleep in their bed. Mary, already a shrewd negotiator at seven apparently, narrows the deep brown eyes she got from Peter and barters for extra screen time tomorrow in exchange for the early bedtime. Peter tries not to laugh at that but he can’t help it when his lips twitch.

The kettle is nearly boiling when Jason comes in the door. Peter takes in his appearance looking for some clue on what’s happened, but Jason doesn’t look angry, or even sad, more like shell-shocked. He gives him a kiss hello, and takes a look around “Where are the kids?”

“I set them up with a movie upstairs. I grabbed some sweats for you, I’ll pour the tea while you change”.

Five minutes later they are both settled on the couch. Peter takes a sip of his tea, waiting patiently for Jason to tell him what happened. That’s the other thing about them he supposes; when Peter is upset, he tends to be a blurter. Jason takes his time, mulling over the words in his head.

“I got a message from Laura Somers today.” Peter hopes he’s not supposed to know who that is. “She and her husband are the ones who...uh adopted the baby...evidently”

“Oh...wow.”

“Yeah... I guess he got access to our information when he turned eighteen” They didn’t waste any time Peter mused –the baby had been born in early December. “She wanted to know if I’d be willing to meet Kyle...that’s his name...or talk to him. I guess he’s curious...” Jason trails off.

“That’s understandable...do you want to?” Unlike Peter, who is rarely able to hide his emotions, Jason is an expert. It often leaves Peter, even after all these years, with little clue as to what he’s thinking. 

“I think so” Jason hedges “I feel like I owe it to him if he wants to....and I’d like to make sure he’s okay. I’ve been thinking about the baby more, whether he’s happy, since we had the twins.”

That is news to Peter. Of course it’s natural Jason worried about the baby he and Ivy had given up. “You’ve never mentioned that.” Peter keeps his tone even, gentle. He’s not trying to accuse Jason of anything, just figure out what’s going through his head.

“Yeah... I guess I was worried about bringing it up. There’s not exactly a lot of warm memories there.”

Peter takes the mug out of Jason’s hands and sets it on the coffee table so he can hold Jason’s hands in his, giving him a comforting squeeze “You know we’re past that.”

Jason sighs “I know, you’re right. It’s just hard to think about that time. If I do this, I’d really want you be there though”

“Of course”. Peter leans in to give Jason a small kiss, rubbing down his back. “We can call her back together if you want.”

* * *

Peter strokes his thumb across Jason’s hand as they ride the subway into Manhattan; Jason is quiet, not up for making conversation. Even during the holiday season, it’s early enough on Saturday that the subway’s not packed yet and they’ve managed to get seats. Everything had fallen into place rather quickly. The Somers live just outside Chicago, but it turns out Laura and her husband, Keith, both grew up in Connecticut and always come in with Kyle on his school break to spend to the holidays with family. So they end up setting up a breakfast the Sunday before Christmas. At least Peter’s Mom had already come in to spend the holidays with them so they didn’t have to worry about finding a babysitter for the day. Mom was more than happy to get Grandma time with the twins. Luckily, Laura has picked somewhere well away from any tourist areas and she’s made a reservation even though they probably don’t need one. Ten is fairly early for most of the NYC brunch crowd.

They’d left early not wanting to risk being late because of a subway delay, which seems to be happening more often than not lately, but of course everything had run smoothly and they’d ended up being way too early. It’s not too cold of a day out so they go for a walk, holding hands on the still quiet streets; it’s probably good for Jason to let off some nervous energy.

When they get back to the café they are both red cheeked, fingers cold. The hostess informs them the other half of their party is already there, causing Jason to suck in a tight breath, squeezing Peter’s hand.

Well, no question Jason’s the father is the first thought that pops into Peter’s head as they are shown over to a table toward the back of the cafe. Not that there ever really was a question but other than the dark hair he must have gotten from Ivy, Kyle looks a whole lot like a teenage Jason.

Awkward and tense introductions are made as they take their seats and a waiter comes over to ask if they want coffee. Jason and Kyle are quiet, both have the same anxious look Peter thinks. He holds Jason’s hand under the table resuming the soothing motion with his thumb he’d started on the subway. Maybe as overcompensation, Laura and Peter begin awkward small talk.

“I’m sorry my husband couldn’t make it. He really wanted to be here but unfortunately his mother fell in the shower last night and had to be taken to the emergency room” Laura starts.

“I hope she’s alright” Peter responds.

“She’s doing better. Someone had to be there this morning though and his brother doesn’t get in until tomorrow”. The waiter comes back then with cups of coffee and tea as well as the plate of shared pastries they’d requested and everyone busies themselves adjusting their drinks to their liking and grabbing croissants or muffins.

“It’s nice we were able to work out a date to meet so quickly” Laura starts again smiling lightly “We hadn’t been imagining you living too far since Kyle was born in Indiana but I suppose you can end up anywhere.”

Peter waits a beat for Jason to respond but when he takes a sip of his coffee instead Peter responds “Oh yeah we both actually grew up out there but Jason got a job offer he couldn't turn down so here we are.” 

“Oh that’s us as well – Keith got a job in Chicago so we ended up moving out there about two years before Kyle was born.”

Silence reigns again for a moment after that. Jason’s now gripping his hand hard enough to hurt and it’s evident he’s too anxious to say anything. Jason hadn’t wanted to take one of his anti-anxiety pills this morning, afraid of being sleepy or out of it, but it was apparent to Peter now that had made a mistake. He was definitely making Jason switch to decaf after this cup, all that caffeine can’t be helping.

“So...” Peter begins addressing Kyle, figuring if he can’t bring Jason into the conversation just this moment he’ll try for Kyle “You’re a senior now right? You must be in the midst of the whole college application thing”. Peter cringes a bit after coming up with that. He’s certain Kyle’s been asked that by every relative he’s seen this holiday season. “I’m sure you’re getting tired of answering that” Peter tries to correct. 

At least it ends up getting an awkward sort of chuckle out of Kyle before he gives what sounds like a very rehearsed “Oh yeah. I’ve been accepted a few places already but I’m wait listed at my top choice so I’m still hoping for that.”

“Where are you hoping for?”

“Notre Dame” As soon as Kyle says that Jason chokes on the bit of muffin he’d been putting in his mouth. They’d read some articles and blogs online before the meeting this week about adopted children meeting their biological parents. Many of them had mentioned ending up having things in common or similar mannerisms but bizarrely ending up at the family legacy didn’t seem to be on that list.

Once Jason’s back under control, drinking some water, Peter says “That’s actually where Jason and I went...Jason went on a full ride.” He brags about Jason a bit, even though he knows it’s embarrassing for him. He wants Kyle and Laura to see that side of Jason though and Peter feels like Laura looks suitably impressed.

“It’s actually kind of a tradition in my family, basically all the McConnell men have gone there...” Jason adds, finally joining in the conversation. He rubs at the back of his neck a little “Um...my family has some pretty significant connections there, I can make a call if you want”

“That’s so kind of you to offer” Laura says brightly.

“Yeah...um that would be great, thank you.” Kyle agrees “So is that where you guys met?”

“Oh no, we’ve know each other since we were kids”

Kyle looked at his mom for a moment then, in silent communication. Parents always seem to have a way of silently communicating with their children, a look can that convey comfort when needed or “hey you better stop that right now or else” – being the parents of boisterous twins they were rather well versed in the latter. “So Jason, Kyle was hoping to ask you some questions about the adoption if that’s okay” Laura said.

Jason nods, “Yes of course”

Kyle’s biting his lip a bit, shredding the rest of the muffin on his plate “I guess I was just wondering how everything happened.”

Jason sighed softly before looking up to meet Kyle’s eyes. Peter knew this was the part Jason had really been dreading. “We all went to boarding school together; Ivy and I hung out in the same circle... I...I doubt this is what you want to hear but the truth is I was a gay kid at catholic boarding school trying desperately to be something I could never be. We weren’t together but she had feelings for me and I guess I thought if I tried harder maybe I could be what everyone expected. Peter and I were outed around the same time Ivy found out she was pregnant; she was pretty angry with me when she realized...Um I don’t really know how Ivy’s mom felt about the pregnancy but she went to school on a need scholarship; her dad wasn’t around and her mom barely scraped by from what I understand. My parents have money.... but they are extremely religious and they didn’t take the news of a child out of wedlock or me dating Peter well at all; they haven’t spoken to me since I was eighteen.... Ivy and I... neither one of us was in a position to raise a child, we couldn’t have supported you financially or emotionally back then, I think we both knew the best thing we could do was give you to someone who could. I’m sorry, I doubt that’s what you were hoping to hear...” Even though Jason manages to keep in voice fairly even, slow, Peter knows Jason well enough to hear the pain in his voice in all of that. It’s never something that’s been easy for Jason to talk about, especially the part about his parents. 

“No, it’s okay, I knew I was adopted from two teenagers so I figured that would be something like that...thanks for telling me.”

“I brought some pictures for you if you want to see them” Jason offered.

“Yeah sure” Jason grabbed his bag from under his seat pulling out the envelope he’d stored in there and pulling out the first picture. “So this is our senior year class picture, there’s Ivy, and I’m there” he says pointing to various images “You can see Peter there as well, and my sister Nadia. And here” Jason says pulling out the rest of the pictures in a stack. “I brought some others. We’re younger in this one, maybe thirteen, taken on some field trip I think. Anyways, I made copies so you can keep them if you want” Jason says shuffling them back into the envelope and handing them over.

“I actually have a few for you as well.” Laura offers pulling out and handing over her own envelope. “Just some of Kyle growing up”

“Thanks, I’ll uh look at those later if that’s okay”. Laura nods smiling.

The waiter comes back around again giving them a refill and Peter’s glad they’ve met up early. If they’d met later he knows they’d be more likely to rush them but there’s still only a few tables occupied. In another hour it’ll start to fill up he’s sure.

Kyle excuses himself to the men’s room and they can see a waiter pointing him down the stairs. As soon as he’s out of earshot Laura looks at Jason “Thank you so much for doing this, really. I know he’s been a bit stoic but this really means a lot to him.”

“Of course, it uh, means a lot to me too. I mean, I’ve worried about him.” Laura nods understandingly.

“He was pretty devastated that Ivy wasn’t interested in speaking to him. He made that call so I don’t know exactly what was said but apparently she made it pretty clear he shouldn’t contact her again.”

“I’m sorry. Truthfully, we haven’t spoken since before Kyle was born so I don’t really have any insight on that.” Other than Nadia, they hadn’t kept in touch with anyone after high school. The last few months had been so fucked up for so many different reasons, they’d ended up just kind of starting over.

After Kyle returns from the bathroom, the rest of their brunch takes on a lighter atmosphere. They talk about plans for the holidays, about Kyle’s cousins and the ski vacation they are planning over president’s day weekend. Jason shows Kyle some pictures of Mary and Ben. They chat about some of their favorite Notre Dame places; Kyle and Laura went to one of their favorite restaurants after his campus visit. When they finish up Laura insists on picking up the bill even though Jason argues with her.

Laura says she’s going to run to the bathroom before they leave and Peter excuses himself to the next table to make sure he hasn’t had any calls from his Mom about the twins. He doesn't actually think she’d have any problems but he wants to give Jason a moment alone with Kyle. He can still hear them though.

“Are you happy?” he hears Jason ask, his voice low and stuttered “you seem happy, like everything had been good for you...”.

“I....yes I’m happy. They’ve been really good parents. I mean, I don’t mean...”

“No it’s okay....I’m glad. Your mom has my number, so if you have any other questions or uh you just want to talk or for any reason you can call me or text.”

“Thank you.”

“Kyle...I won’t presume to know how you really feel about all of this, but I know how much it hurts to have your parents abandon you. I hope...I want you to know didn’t have anything to do with you as a person. Ivy and I were both in a bad place and we thought we were doing what was best for you. But I thought about you often...I’m glad you’re doing well and that we had the chance to do this.”

Peter doesn’t catch Kyle’s response but when he looks over he sees Jason give Kyle’s hand a quick squeeze across the table. Outside, they say their goodbyes wishing each other Merry Christmas. Laura gives Peter a kiss on the cheek and Jason a tight squeeze. Peter shakes Kyle’s hand, giving him a shoulder squeeze and Jason gives Kyle a slightly awkward looking hug.

Three weeks later, Kyle sends Jason a text with a picture of his Notre Dame acceptance letter. Over the years Jason ends up being more like a much older brother to Kyle. He tells him all the best places to go out near Notre Dame; Kyle calls to tell them about his crazy roommate and the girls he goes out with. He facetimes with the twins, laughing at what passes as exciting stories to an eight year old. They always make time to see Kyle when he’s in Connecticut to visit his extended family.


	6. Two Weddings and a Funeral – 2020-2024

It’s the roaring twenties once again, or so the newspaper headlines proclaim at the start of the new decade. For their little family, the first half of the decade is marked by three major events and a new dose of independence. As Mary and Ben grow up, suddenly they are spending more time with friends and after school activities, leaving Jason and Peter to fill the nights previously spent on family activities. It’s certainly that awkward preteen time when suddenly everything Peter and Jason do seems to be embarrassing and it makes Peter feel a bit melancholy to know Mary and Ben would rather go to all the places they used to go together with their friends. Jason reminds him it’s part of growing up and institutes family Sundays, making sure that in the midst of school and work, client dinners and sports and dance class that they all sit down together at least once a week for family dinner and movies, or a trip to the museum or a show.

In early 2021 Peter’s Mom surprises him by announcing she’s getting married again. He supposes he should have seen it coming after she moved in with her boyfriend last year. While it had been awkward at first for Peter to see his Mom with another man, she seems really happy. An Italian widower with no children, Mike is welcoming to Peter and Jason when they visit and loves playing Grandpa to the twins; teaching them to cook the large feasts he always trying to stuff them with when they are in Indiana. Mom says she’s too old for any wedding fanfare so Mike generously takes them all on a cruise instead to celebrate. Although Mike doesn’t have children, he’s very close with his nieces and nephews and subsequently their children. It’s nice for Mary and Ben to gain some pseudo cousins their own age.

In fall of 2023 Nadia finally marries her long-term boyfriend after a seven-year engagement. Peter and Jason hadn’t thought they’d ever actually get married but here they are. The wedding is held on Tyler’s parent’s property in Vermont; the fall foliage out in full force leaving a beautiful, if chilly, backdrop for the ceremony. Peter sits with the twins, Kyle and Uncle Marc while Jason walks a radiant Nadia down the aisle. She’d gone with a non-traditional dress, but somehow she still looks bridal.

* * *

**November 2024**

You know how sometimes you think, “how bad could it really go?” Well as Peter tries to comfort a completely inconsolable Jason in their hotel room, he muses the answer is really bad. When they’d gotten the news last week from Uncle Marc’s girlfriend that he’d been in an accident Jason had been devastated, they all were. A later in life accident baby, Marc was only ten years older than Jason and Nadia and had always railed against the conservative nature of the rest of their family. He’d been the one to take care of Jason after high school, finding him a therapist and housing him during all of their college breaks. He’d been great with Mary and Ben as well, always making the effort when he was in New York to do something special with them.

Jason and Peter had thought long and hard about whether they should attend the funeral. Jason wanted to go to pay his respects and thought closure was important for Mary and Ben, but he’d also been concerned about seeing the rest of his family. Ultimately they decided the funeral was too important to miss; they’d hoped by keeping a low profile and only attending the actual funeral, they could fly under the radar. They’d spend the night at a local hotel after the funeral and then drive their rental down to Mom and Mike’s for a long weekend; they figured if they were already out here and taking the kids out of school there they may as well visit.

They had taken seats with Nadia and Tyler in the back of the church. It was already obvious that they were not as covert as they’d hoped; as more than one relative turned around to look at their group when they’d come in. He tried to remember the last time any of them had been in a church and wishes he felt comfortable enough to reach over and hold Jason’s hand, he both needs the connection and wants to give it, but he doesn’t want to give anyone a reason to cause a scene so he keeps his hands to himself.

Peter and Jason stand with the kids between them wrapping their arms around them in comfort at the cemetery while final words of farewell are spoken. They aren’t planning on attending the gathering after so once the service is finished they wait with Nadia and Tyler to say goodbye to Marc’s girlfriend before getting ready to head toward their respective rental cars. Unfortunately for them, Jason’s father, mother in tow behind him, decides this is the perfect time for a confrontation.

“How dare you show up here” Mr. McConnell hisses furiously at Jason. “It’s not enough you’ve embarrassed this family with your antics but now you flaunt your unnaturalness for everyone to see.” Jason’s father is continuing to rant about their unnatural and deviant behavior in a house of God while Jason stands stock-still and Peter tries to both not abandon Jason and push Mary and Ben toward the car, not wanting them to hear anymore.

“Let’s not cause a scene, we came to pay our respects to Marc and we’re all leaving now.” Tyler says, trying to defuse the situation.

“It should be you lying there.” Mr. McConnell continues heatedly. He’s managing this all in a furious whisper, not actually raising his voice “ You’ve sullied the McConnell name, the best thing you ever did for this family was try and off yourself, a pity you were unsuccessful. Your behavior is an affront to our Lord.”

Fuck. Nadia has no such reservations about raising her voice. While she finally snaps and starts screaming at her father, all Peter can think about is getting Jason out of the situation; he knows Tyler will back Nadia up. Unfortunately, Mary and Ben are still standing right there. They’d known of course, that Jason didn’t have a relationship with his parents, but vaguely knowing his parent’s didn’t approve and hearing it are two very different things. Peter herds all three of them into the car as quickly as possible. The ride back to the hotel is silent; in the elevator up to their rooms he can feel Jason shaking.

Peter opens the twins’ hotel door first. “Why don’t you guys get changed –we’ll just order room service instead of going out. Give Dad and I a few minutes okay?”

In their room Jason sits heavily on the bed; Peter sits next to him pulling him close while he finally loses it. It breaks his heart a little to see Jason like this. In the time they’ve known each other he’s seen Jason cry plenty of times but never these kind of uncontrolled gut wrenching sobs.

“He’s wrong about everything” Peter tries, but he knows there’s really nothing he can say. Cold and distant fathers that eventually abandoned them was a painful shared experience for Peter and Jason. Something they’d discussed quite a lot once they became fathers; all the things they would never do to their own children. But he knows he can’t truly understand what Jason’s going through. Peter’s father had mostly just ignored him, he’d never outright disowned him. And unlike Peter’s father who’d eventually sort of come around, Jason’s evidently hadn’t changed his mind at all. “I love you so much, you’ve never been a disappointment. He’s just a bad person.”

“I hate that I still care...” Jason muttered through tears. “I never wanted Ben and Mary to see that.”

“I know.” There’s nothing else to say, what’s done is done now and they have no choice but to navigate it. Peter rubs his hands soothingly down Jason’s back. “We’ll deal with it together, it’s going to be okay.” After a few more minutes, Jason’s sobs turn into quiet sniffles. Peter pulls out pajamas for both of them, handing Jason face wash as well. His eyes still look kind of puffy when he comes out of the bathroom, but the evidence of his tears is mostly gone as he resettles back onto the bed.

“I’m not sure what to say to them about it...” Jason trails off anxiously.

Peter sits on the edge of the bed, stroking his hand for a moment “I think honesty is probably the best at this point. It doesn’t have to be scary for them, you are in a good place now.” Jason nods, and Peter nuzzles at his neck for a moment before he gets up opens the shared bedroom door of their hotel rooms, calling the kids in.

He can tell Mary has been crying and she immediately cuddles up next to Jason on the bed. Peter sits on his other side leaving space for Ben between them but when he gestures him over he settles at the bottom of the bed facing them instead.

“I know today’s been a hard day...” Jason starts.

“I can’t believe those are our grandparents...they’re awful” Mary interrupts. Peter can hear the underlying anger in the statement, he feels it too.

“Today should have been about Uncle Marc” Jason agrees “ I’m sorry you both had to see that...if you have any questions about what you heard we can talk about it.”

“What did he mean...” Mary starts ... “Did you try and hurt yourself Dad?” Peter finds Jason’s hand on the bed, running the pads of his fingers over Jason’s.

“I did...” Jason confirms evenly, “When I was a teenager.”

“Why?” Mary asks. Peter can’t really see her face as she’s on Jason’s other side but she sounds so hurt at the notion.

“He doesn’t have to talk about it if he doesn’t want to” Ben says suddenly, defending his father. Peter looks over surprised at the outburst. There’s a moment in every child’s life when they realize their parents are more than just parents, they are real people who had lives long before they arrived on the scene. He knows Ben loves them both equally, but he’s always had a bit of hero worship for Jason.

Peter slides over slightly, patting the spot between Jason and him inviting Ben to join them at the top of the bed. Ben comes over this time, sandwiching himself between the two of them. At nearly thirteen it’s been a long time since Ben’s allowed either of his fathers to cuddle him like this. Peter gives him a small kiss on the head and he sees Jason slide his arm around Ben.

“It’s okay Ben, we can talk about it.” Jason looks over at Peter, meeting his eyes; Peter gives what support he can in a small smile. “I overdosed at the end of my senior year of high school. A lot of things had happened in a very short time in my life that I didn’t know how to handle...Dad and I were outted at school and I’d found out Kyle was going to be born. You both know Dad and I were raised in a fairly religious environment, we were always taught we should rely on the church above all else and when I fell out of line with their teachings I suppose I felt like I had nowhere to turn...” Jason pauses collecting his thoughts “I always felt a lot of pressure growing up to meet certain expectations and when things fell apart it felt unfixable to me.”

“I’m sorry that happened to you Dad.” Mary says softly.

“I was very lucky a teacher called an ambulance and I had my stomach pumped. After that, your Dad and Uncle Marc really took care of me. I started seeing a therapist and got the help I needed.” Jason admits. “I want you both to know that no matter what you do, no matter how bad it seems, you can always come home to Dad and me. There’s nothing you could ever do that we can’t figure out together”. Peter is so incredibly proud of Jason for handling this so well. They hadn’t grown up in a time when the mental health conversations were prominent. Early on, he’d known how much shame Jason felt for needing a therapist and medication and even if he was mostly okay with it now, he knew Jason didn’t really love acknowledging it either.

No one’s very hungry after the day they’ve had but Peter still insists on ordering room service and tries to prod them all to eat something but most of the food ends up untouched. They all end up dosing off early to some sappy movie they’d turned on.

When Peter wakes up really early the next morning he’s stiff from sleeping at a funny angle with them all in the bed. It’s been a long time since they’ve slept with either kid in their bed and despite the circumstances it makes Peter smile to see them all cuddled up together. Truthfully, he knows this is probably one of the last times it will happen; eventually the kids will grow up and come back around to appreciating hugs from their parents instead of being embarrassed, but it won’t be like this.

Peter sends a quick message to Nadia while they check out letting her know Jason’s okay; he knows she’ll worry as well after what happened. He assures her they’ll see her in a few weeks in New York when she comes in for the holidays.

The four of them hit the road well before the checkout time back to Mom and Mike’s; no one has any desire to stay in the area longer than necessary after what’s happened. Everyone is still fairly subdued on the car ride and he can tell Jason’s exhausted. When they drive up a few hours later, Peter and Jason lug their overnight bags into Mom and Mikes and up to the guest rooms while the twins run ahead to get hugs from his Mom.

“I think I’m going to lay down for a bit; sorry I’m just not up for being social right now.” Jason says tiredly.

“Everyone will understand, don’t worry.” He digs around his toiletry bag, pulling out the small orange bottle that holds Jason’s anti-anxiety medication. He’d weaned off the anti-depressants years ago and he’d ceased needing the mild daily anti-anxiety medication as well but occasionally he needed a little extra help when things got really bad. “Do you want to take one?” Jason agrees so Peter takes the pill out and grabs one of the water bottles his Mom left for them. He kisses Jason gently after he takes it, and rubs his back until he doses off.

When he comes back downstairs Mary’s in the kitchen helping Mike make meatballs and Ben’s at the table drinking juice. His Mom pulls him into the living room for a moment, giving him a tight hug, checking in with him. He just suddenly feels...everything. All the stress and tension of the last few days has built up and it feels like he just can’t hold it together anymore. A couple of tears slip out before he can stop them. He doesn't care that he’s over forty years old, after the last few days the hug from his Mom is exactly what he needs.

After that, him and his Mom join Ben at the table for a little bit, keeping Mary and Mike company while they layer lasagna.

“I ordered some pies from that bakery you loved when you were a little boy. I was going to drive over in a little to pick them up” Mom says.

“You don’t have to go out, I can walk over and get them.” Peter offers smiling. The bakery is only about a twenty-minute walk from the house. It’s a bit too far for his Mom to walk in the chilly weather but the walk sounds great to him. Truthfully, he feels like he could use the fresh air to clear his head a bit.

“I’ll come help” Ben offers getting up to grab his shoes. The two walk in comfortable silence on the way over, taking in some of the holiday decorations neighbors have already put up even though it’s not quite thanksgiving yet and the colorful leaves that haven’t fallen yet.

On the way back, he has the bag with the pies in one hand, and holds his warm coffee with the other. Caffeine was definitely needed. Ben is holding his hot chocolate with two hands; keeping his hands warm Peter imagines.

“Dad...” Ben starts...Peter thought he might have something on his mind when he offered to come so he waits patiently for him to continue, “did Dad cheat on you? I mean when you were in high school and he got Ivy pregnant. You were already together then right?”

Peter supposed it was inevitable that one of the kids would eventually put together the timing of Kyle’s conception. They were old enough now to learn about the basics in school. “He didn’t.” Peter assures “We broke up briefly at the end of our senior year.”

“Oh...I didn’t know you ever broke up. I mean you never even fight”

“We fight Ben” Peter laughs slightly at that “We just make sure not to do it front of you. It’s probably hard for you to imagine Nana fighting now, but my parents argued quite a lot before they divorced and, well as you saw Dad’s father has quite the temper. Dad and I promised each other we’d never do that in front of our own kids. No relationship is perfect, they all take work...we broke up because we thought we wanted different things but after I almost lost him I knew it was worth working out.”

“That’s so sappy Dad” Ben smiles but Peter can tell he’s mulling over what he said.

“Well Dad does always say I’m the sentimental one.”

Jason comes down in time for dinner, slightly groggy but seeming more relaxed and they all gather around the slightly too small kitchen table for dinner. Hearty food and good company raises everyone’s mood and Peter thinks at least they’ll be able to end the trip on a good note.


	7. Back Again – June 2025

Peter hadn’t associated any particular smell with his years at boarding school, but as he stands in the once familiar hallway his first thought is of how familiar it smells. When they’d gotten the invitation to their 25threunion/charity dinner/auction in the mail they certainly hadn’t planned on attending. The school threw a “reunion” every year, rotating the classes invited every five years so that they’d end up with whatever classes happened to be celebrating their 5th, 10th, 15th, etc. It as mostly a money grab intended to raise money for the school. They hadn’t gone to any of the prior ones and certainly hadn’t intended on starting now. 

Going had kind of started as a joke when they realized they’d be in Indiana the same weekend of the reunion for one of their friend from college’s second wedding. Jason must have mentioned it to Nadia in passing though and suddenly they were RSVP’ing.

The cafeteria had been doctored up for the night with tablecloths and a welcome banner, listing the classes that would be in attendance tonight giving it a semi classy air about it. Peter figured the best thing to do to ease everyone’s nerves and bring some entertainment to what he’s sure is going to be a fairly boring auction, was to get drinks. He led Jason, Nadia and Tyler over to the makeshift bar area grabbing wine for everyone. There’s quite a few people milling about, but no one he recognizes.

“I think the tables for class of 2000 are over there” Nadia notes, craning her head so they stroll over that way. Suddenly Peter feels a bout of anxiety; nothing over the top, just that natural sort of nervousness that comes when you run into someone while dressed terribly or see someone you haven’t in a long time. Truthfully, he has no idea how anyone will feel about him and Jason still being together. He’s sure, like them, some of their classmates will have left religion behind in high school but others most certainly will still be practicing. 

One of the high top tables has a group of people congregated around it that Peter recognizes from classes and dorms, but no one they had been friends with. At the second table he recognizes more people interspersed with people he assumes are spouses. 

Matt introduces the petite blond woman next to him as his wife and they meet Diane’s husband as well. Lucas is there alone; apparently recently divorced. Ivy is on the other side of the table as well with her husband. Peter had been anxious about how awkward it would be but overall, it’s turns out to be pleasant evening –they’ve all grown up. And in spite of not having seen each other for years, there’s a certain kind of ease there; there was a time when they’d known each other so well and that never entirely goes away. They catch up, exchanging the general small talk one tends to exchange in when seeing old acquaintances. Where do you live, what are you doing now. Laughing over the antics they’d all once gotten into. Everyone carefully avoids any mention of the end of their senior year, but there’s plenty of other material. He’s happy to know everyone’s doing so well and that they get to see everything turned out well for Jason and him as well.

“Here’s a picture from our oldest’s high school graduation last week.” Matt says pulling out his phone to show them a picture of his two sons. “Makes me feel incredibly old. I think I may finish going grey dealing with their antics lately” he jokes “ I just hope they’re not up to half the things we were”. They all laugh at that. Peter certainly finds it quite ironic looking back that their parents sent them to boarding school to keep them on the straight and narrow.

“God I’m not looking forward to that” Lucas says. “Luckily mine are still a bit young to get into anything.” He pulls up his own picture, showing off two small girls with pigtails and a slightly older boy with chubby cheeks.

“Ours are just reaching that danger age.” Jason says pulling out his own phone to show off pictures.

People begin flitting over between the tables after that – their class hadn’t been that big so everyone does know each other.

Peter’s on the way back from the men’s room when he feels someone grab him from behind. He turns in surprise for a second before just realizing it’s Jason. “Want to see my baseball bat?” Jason asks him laughing, pushing him up against one of the lockers.

“Always”

And then Jason kisses him, without looking to see if anyone else is in the hallway, or listening for footsteps.

And Peter can’t help but think they made it.


	8. Pills

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jason's musing on medication - same universe but not chronological

Fall 2000

**Of Anger**

Jason hated this part of the morning. He hated that he wasn't trusted to be in control of his own life. If he were in the mood to be objective, which he wasn’t, he’d probably acknowledge that it was perfectly understandable after what he’d done that he wasn’t trusted to manage his own medication. That considering the method of his suicide attempt, it was unlikely that anyone would be giving him access to drugs anytime soon. 

There were a lot of things he hated lately though; he hated that while the rest of the Notre Dame Freshman class’s only concern seemed to be how much beer they could drink, he was forced to attend biweekly therapy sessions. He hated that his therapist insisted on talking about his relationship with his parents, with God, his sexuality over and over. And truthfully, this morning, as Peter got up early specifically so he could dole the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication Jason now required, pulling out todays pills from the small safe under his bed, and insisting Jason open his mouth to show he’d actually swallowed them, he hated Peter a little bit too.

He hates that he exploded at Peter when he was just trying to help. He hates how much he worries that Peter will get sick of putting up with him. His gut churns anxiously for the entirety of both of his morning classes.

When he returns to their dorm Peter doing homework at his desk. He knows he’d been cruel this morning. He isn’t sure what to say, so instead he grabs their quilt hoping Peter will still be willing to come hold him and of course he does. Because Peter is just...Peter...ever understanding and with seemingly endless patience.

“I’m sorry” Jason mutters into Peter’s neck. God he’s ashamed of how he acted earlier.

“I know” Peter says softly, holding him close.

* * *

Fall 2006

**Of Routine**

In their tiny NYC bathroom the name of the game is routine. Their mornings a choreographed dance giving them each enough just enough time to get in and out when they have to leave for work at the same time. If they were practical they’d probably get out of bed fifteen minutes earlier but somehow that extra time snuggled in bed together always seemed worth the rush later. Both stand in their boxers brushing their teeth at the skin before Peter hands Jason his daily pills from the little cup he allots them into at the start of each week. He swallows them down with water from the tap before opening his mouth with an “ah” sound to show they’ve been swallowed them. Peter’s hardly paying attention, but it’s just what they do now. Jason hardly thinks about it at all.

* * *

Fall 2024

**Of Acceptance**

Jason settled into bed next to Peter, giving him a quick peck on the mouth. They’d both been home for a few hours but the kids had been around so they haven’t had a chance to talk alone yet.

“How’d your appointment go?” Peter asks. After what happened at Uncle Marc’s funeral, Peter had insisted Jason make an extra appointment with his therapist. He hadn’t resisted, he usually he only went a few times a year now but he’d had a couple of panic attacks and had to take more of his as anti-anxiety medication in the last few weeks than he’d taken in the last year combined.

“It went alright. None of it’s really new territory you know...just shitty to have it all brought up again. We reviewed coping mechanisms for the panic attacks and I made another appointment next week just in case.”

“That’s good.” Peter was always supportive. Jason mulled over what he’d talked to with his therapist, wondering if he should bring it up to Peter. She knew Peter was his main support system and she’d asked him whether he was talking to Peter about how he was doing when he was particularly anxious – whether he was admitting every time he needed to take another pill lately. Jason had informed her not telling Peter wasn’t an option since he was the one who managed Jason’s medication. Not just the anxiety medication; all of it, when he was sick and had Tamiflu or the high blood pressure medication he’s been prescribed at his last doctor visit.

Jason hadn’t considered it might not be the norm. When he’d asked Dr. Barlett had said most patients eventually transitioned to managing their own medication. Jason knew it wasn’t a matter of Peter not trusting him, it was just habit. He decided not to mention it; he loved that Peter wanted to take care of him and what was the point of changing something that worked for both of them.


End file.
